Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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