I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
