I think I won the penis lottery.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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