Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
