Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
