I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
