Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
