I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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