last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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