remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
