are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Can I color on your dick again?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
