....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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