There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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