did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
