New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
