There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm having to shit out rocks
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