well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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