My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
