I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
