i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
