a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
