please come you make the beer taste better
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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