It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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