is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Someone came in the potted fern
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
