just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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