ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
