I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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