I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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