it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
