I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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