Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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