I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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