Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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