im drinking this country out of the recession.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
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my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
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I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?