6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!