please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
