dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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