i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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