so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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