Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
