She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
