i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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