after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
