It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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