Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Damn victory sex feels great
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
