Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
