thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
