I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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