Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
