You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
