Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
