Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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