it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
