Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Say something about gay babies.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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