I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
