I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he puts the penis in happiness.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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