I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
