Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
