I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
