So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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