Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
